Monday, 22 March 2010!
LAMENTED AT; 7:31 pm
I am alive!
yeah, i know... haven't gotten to blogging since i got here. Reason being, I just don't want to think about my situation now. it's not that its horrible, I'm quite alright here. it's just that when i think about what to tell all of you back home, I'm lost for words seeing as I'm going through so much now. To try and document everything would be killer, so I'll save these experiences for when I come home and tell all of you. For now though, I'll blog about self discoveries and minute observations I've made during my time here.
The first month here was bad. Really bad, so I hit rock bottom. And since the 1st of March, everything sort of mellowed out and didn't hurt as bad. with reference to my previous post, it was about accepting the way things were and not comparing.
People say that going through a new experience changes you. College changes you, relationships change you and going to a new country certainly changes you. Sometimes we generalise change as bad, and that's when it gets dangerous. I'm not going to lie, there is a high possibility that I will come back different. I don't know how different, but enough to make you think about it for a while. I've never claimed to be perfect and i will never dare to think I am worse off or better than anyone. So first of all, I'd like to apologize in advance if I come back changed, and you don't like it. I apologize not for changing, but for the fact that you can't accept it. Don't worry, I'm not about to do rash things.. But this is just in case.
being here gives me a lot of alone time. The thing I love most probably, is the freedom to do random stuff when i want to anywhere. I can take long walks around campus, on the road and out to the streets if i wanted to. I love knowing that right now, If i really wanted to, I could catch the train to the city and ride the trams the whole night. Though, that probably wouldn't be a good idea!
And during those times I spend alone (which is quite a lot) I ponder and think about everything under the sun. I strongly believe that over analysing can be the downfall of anyone, so I try to do my analysing in a more constructive way. I try looking for the bright sides in situations. i tell myself that surviving college is the stepping stone to far greater things, and that right now if i had the power to redo something in my life or make a different decision, i wouldn't change anything. Such is the power of blind faith in God, that everything I do is for a reason and I'm here for a purpose.
I've done one stupid thing in particular while being here that doesn't really haunt me, but it agitates me. it's a lesson that speaks for itself and is caused by trying to get away from things. I wanted so much to escape from the real world that I fell. That's what gets me though, not that I did it, but the fact that thinking about it, I couldn't have stopped. I couldn't have seen it any other way. I let myself down. But who do you cling to in these times? I've tried so hard to be strong but for that split moment i guess I had to break.
At times like these, I question relationships so much. we're all looking for somebody, we can't deny it. We look for that person we want to understand us, to love us for everything we are, to appreciate what we do for them and to love us for it. I've often had pride issues. But today, after my long walk, i came to the conclusion that admitting weakness is strength.
it's the strength that starts from accepting
your weakness and being humble about it in effort to overcome it.
With that and no one in particular I want to confide in, I admit that I have a strong yearning to be appreciated and accepted. I question my past relationship. Everything was so perfect, but I keep asking myself if I was just living my fantasy or if it were really real. It takes so much out of me, not being able to let go and harboring this feeling of insecurity that perhaps it wasn't quite so mutual as I thought. He doesn't know that I was so upset. He wants to move on and go on with life like everything's completely fine. Well I'm done with fine, for once i don't want to follow this clear-cut straight path, knowing the right thing to do is great, but considering each other's feelings are equally important. i realise it's selfish. If he really cared about me, he'd give me the time of day to at least try to comfort me. It hurts to think that maybe I wasn't worth all that. Maybe I shouldn't have given him so much. The feelings were real when they were there, but i can't bare that they evaporated just like that when i left.
I'm not one to cry and be pathetic over a relationship or a situation. I usually get up and try again with my blind optimism that things will be better. But sooner or later, my optimism is bashed down again, and i have to sit and lick my wounds. The recovery is slow and tedious but I do it anyway, for my sake. All I want right now is closure. I know I have got no right to demand that of him, and I'm such a chicken for posting it here, but it's something I think I deserve. For once, could he just get down of his high horse and give me a hand up?
With this relationship at the back of my mind, how does it not interfere with the decisions I make here? it haunts me and follows me around. I hate giving someone that satisfaction, I hate looking dependent; But admitting weakness is overcoming it. And that's exactly what I am doing here. Perhaps if I wrote this down publicly, It'd give me a new perspective on things. To forget and move on is so hard, especially now when I'm so lonely here. I'm not short of friends, mind you - I'm just short of people I can actually relate to. It's easy for him to say that It will be okay, He has his friends and his distractions. The loneliness he feels is probably a fraction of what i feel. I've got nothing to cling on to except God, and admittedly even he feels so distant sometimes. occasionally, we need that physical security blanket.
it's a tough world but we gotta soldier on. I've got to soldier on. I have had enough of my past, I'm not angry or malicious about it, but I just wish it would leave me alone. i shouldn't let it take control of me and influence my better judgment, but when you're clinging on as hard as you can already, what's that little push from making you fall?