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ChiaSuYen says that..

If you have nothing nice to say, Don't say anything at all. :)

If you got a buck, you should Spend it on food. Duh.

She may be dumb, but she is not stupid.

She has a million things to say but has writer's block most of the time.

Say something cool.



flyaway.

XiaoYun
KengYee
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inessa
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heart.
Hello people,
My name is Su-Yen.
Or I could also be Yennie or Yen.
I am seventeen going on a hundred.
I like long walks and country sides.
I like the smell of rain and trees.
This is my blog, Though I'm not sure what it's actually for.
Maybe I want attention. Like yay! x)
No seriously, maybe I do.

Monday, 22 March 2010!
LAMENTED AT; 7:31 pm

I am alive!

yeah, i know... haven't gotten to blogging since i got here. Reason being, I just don't want to think about my situation now. it's not that its horrible, I'm quite alright here. it's just that when i think about what to tell all of you back home, I'm lost for words seeing as I'm going through so much now. To try and document everything would be killer, so I'll save these experiences for when I come home and tell all of you. For now though, I'll blog about self discoveries and minute observations I've made during my time here.

The first month here was bad. Really bad, so I hit rock bottom. And since the 1st of March, everything sort of mellowed out and didn't hurt as bad. with reference to my previous post, it was about accepting the way things were and not comparing.

People say that going through a new experience changes you. College changes you, relationships change you and going to a new country certainly changes you. Sometimes we generalise change as bad, and that's when it gets dangerous. I'm not going to lie, there is a high possibility that I will come back different. I don't know how different, but enough to make you think about it for a while. I've never claimed to be perfect and i will never dare to think I am worse off or better than anyone. So first of all, I'd like to apologize in advance if I come back changed, and you don't like it. I apologize not for changing, but for the fact that you can't accept it. Don't worry, I'm not about to do rash things.. But this is just in case.

being here gives me a lot of alone time. The thing I love most probably, is the freedom to do random stuff when i want to anywhere. I can take long walks around campus, on the road and out to the streets if i wanted to. I love knowing that right now, If i really wanted to, I could catch the train to the city and ride the trams the whole night. Though, that probably wouldn't be a good idea!

And during those times I spend alone (which is quite a lot) I ponder and think about everything under the sun. I strongly believe that over analysing can be the downfall of anyone, so I try to do my analysing in a more constructive way. I try looking for the bright sides in situations. i tell myself that surviving college is the stepping stone to far greater things, and that right now if i had the power to redo something in my life or make a different decision, i wouldn't change anything. Such is the power of blind faith in God, that everything I do is for a reason and I'm here for a purpose.

I've done one stupid thing in particular while being here that doesn't really haunt me, but it agitates me. it's a lesson that speaks for itself and is caused by trying to get away from things. I wanted so much to escape from the real world that I fell. That's what gets me though, not that I did it, but the fact that thinking about it, I couldn't have stopped. I couldn't have seen it any other way. I let myself down. But who do you cling to in these times? I've tried so hard to be strong but for that split moment i guess I had to break.

At times like these, I question relationships so much. we're all looking for somebody, we can't deny it. We look for that person we want to understand us, to love us for everything we are, to appreciate what we do for them and to love us for it. I've often had pride issues. But today, after my long walk, i came to the conclusion that admitting weakness is strength. it's the strength that starts from accepting your weakness and being humble about it in effort to overcome it.

With that and no one in particular I want to confide in, I admit that I have a strong yearning to be appreciated and accepted. I question my past relationship. Everything was so perfect, but I keep asking myself if I was just living my fantasy or if it were really real. It takes so much out of me, not being able to let go and harboring this feeling of insecurity that perhaps it wasn't quite so mutual as I thought. He doesn't know that I was so upset. He wants to move on and go on with life like everything's completely fine. Well I'm done with fine, for once i don't want to follow this clear-cut straight path, knowing the right thing to do is great, but considering each other's feelings are equally important. i realise it's selfish. If he really cared about me, he'd give me the time of day to at least try to comfort me. It hurts to think that maybe I wasn't worth all that. Maybe I shouldn't have given him so much. The feelings were real when they were there, but i can't bare that they evaporated just like that when i left.

I'm not one to cry and be pathetic over a relationship or a situation. I usually get up and try again with my blind optimism that things will be better. But sooner or later, my optimism is bashed down again, and i have to sit and lick my wounds. The recovery is slow and tedious but I do it anyway, for my sake. All I want right now is closure. I know I have got no right to demand that of him, and I'm such a chicken for posting it here, but it's something I think I deserve. For once, could he just get down of his high horse and give me a hand up?

With this relationship at the back of my mind, how does it not interfere with the decisions I make here? it haunts me and follows me around. I hate giving someone that satisfaction, I hate looking dependent; But admitting weakness is overcoming it. And that's exactly what I am doing here. Perhaps if I wrote this down publicly, It'd give me a new perspective on things. To forget and move on is so hard, especially now when I'm so lonely here. I'm not short of friends, mind you - I'm just short of people I can actually relate to. It's easy for him to say that It will be okay, He has his friends and his distractions. The loneliness he feels is probably a fraction of what i feel. I've got nothing to cling on to except God, and admittedly even he feels so distant sometimes. occasionally, we need that physical security blanket.

it's a tough world but we gotta soldier on. I've got to soldier on. I have had enough of my past, I'm not angry or malicious about it, but I just wish it would leave me alone. i shouldn't let it take control of me and influence my better judgment, but when you're clinging on as hard as you can already, what's that little push from making you fall?

Tuesday, 2 March 2010!
LAMENTED AT; 8:30 am

Around the River Bend.


How many times have we counted our blessings? how many times will it take for us to learn from our same old mistakes; if we make them again, would those mistakes be deemed redundant? Attachment is a word we've all felt before, it's not so much a bunch of letters describing a feeling... It has become more of an emotion. you don't relate attachment to just anything, because to be attached there has to be something that's worth enough of your time to be attached to.

The very fact that you experience attachment is because that something has grown on you so much and you've gotten used to the idea so well, that you'd be at a loss if it were to disappear just like that.
I've lived my life with so much attachments. i don't believe in being detached for the sake of not being hurt. Though, now that I think about it, I have switched on the defensive mechanism earlier on, I just made a mental note to switch it off because being detached is worse than feeling hurt. Believe me, it is. So how did I fare during the time when i let loose and let my heart speak for itself? It was great. You should all try it.

life is too short to hold back (unless it's something utterly stupid like taking drugs). We spend way too much time complaining about how life could be if we were that way or this, I know i do it. instead, if we were to hit that rock bottom phase in a certain situation where we expect that things will NOT get any better, a certain calm or panic depending on what kind of person you are will hit you. it is a realization that you have left your old life behind, you can't compare what you have now to what you had, it's a different story alltogether.

Come to think of it, great phases in your life all start from uncertainty and doubt. Knowing that you are in a position whereby the odds seem to be against you helps, as funny as that sounds because most people tell you to be optimistic. Being in a crappy situation while people tell you to be optimistic is annoying. But being optimistic about a crappy situation on your own and admitting things might always be bad is alright. Hence, the word that best describes it is "acceptance".

Acceptance of the way things are right now, regardless of how insanely lonely or sad things might get. While I tend to wallow in it from time to time, I think of it as having a period of time to self-discover myself, do things I never would have time to do, and think outside the box. Such is the spirit of a complete optimistic fool. no one's telling you you can't revert back to the type of person you were before the whole experience, but if anything, it would be God telling you that there is a part of life you have not experienced and need to learn. Maybe it's discovering a strength you had within yourself you never knew you had, or finding out things you never knew you could handle, or it could be coming out of the entire situation knowing you made the best of it, and feeling great about it.

Feelings are relative according to the type of situation you've been through; and so what is the next awful situation compared to this one?
And I guess, what I am trying to say is... is that i miss home a lot. I miss the people I've grown attached to, the friends who make my life colourful and silly and who teach me to not take myself to seriously.

it's depressing to think that those times might never come back, but in the true spirit of optimism, I accept that it might be like that forever and though I might or may not move on, I'll live in the moment and
"Find new meaning in daily norms." I want to come out of a trying situation knowing that I'd done my best to make the best of it, not complaining about how miserable a time i had during that period.

For the feelings I've never felt so strong in my life, I hope it comes back... Even if it takes 5 years. Even if it's not the same person, I just pray it comes back.

As for what i foolishly optimistically hope for, a friend will do;
forget the social life. hahahahhahaa, I know i depress all of you! but too bad cause I'm being optimistic about sadness. How does anyone pull that off??