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Warning: pessimistic ramble ahead!

Another one of those nights where I resolve to sleep early, like at 10 but somehow manage to find something to do till 12 even though I'm completely engulfed by tiredness and just can't find rest or peace on my mind. Yeah, you can bet this'll be one of those long thoughtful might/ might not make sense to you posts.

As I am writing this, it is officially 12.00am on a wednesday morning and I find myself on the edge of wanting something more.. Something so much more that i can't right now wrap my finger around it. It's as if there's this thing that keeps bugging me- it keeps telling me that there's something very important I need to do, see or even realise before it's too late. It clings to my ankles like shakles and I can't seem to shake the feeling off.

Maybe I'm reminicent about leaving highschool behind. Maybe I've just started getting a bit jumpy for the exams which I've convinced myself don't really matter. They don't for me anyway, that i can tell you. But somehow there is something in me that is oddly sadistic. A part of me that wants to see myself suffer and a part of me that just wants to feel like I'm going mad with stress. All this because I want to burry the guilt in me that seems to haunt me when I face something i don't want to face. It makes me feel better that I'm actually suffering for something I hate to do, rather than bumping and floating around in a carefree manner. It sickens me how I can be so dark but it's an addiction I can't seem to be able to shake off.

Really if i had my way, we'd all still be farmers and small-time fishermen in the medieval century. We'd grow up in the countryside knowing where our boring mundane life would end up- just like our parents who were born and bred for the positions they had now. We'd grow into ourselves, find the person of our dreams, get married, have babies and have a kick out of that simple life. Who'd care about the "what if's" in life when there weren't any if's.

So what if one day our world were to end in a big explosion (which would probably happen)? Would our constitutions, our deeds, our acts or contribution to society on Earth really matter at all? Imagine, everything we deem worthy and of the any importance completely destroyed within a blink of an eye. Languages, history, people, memories, monuments, documents and government secrets all gone, just like that.

Would those things which we once thought were so important actually matter then? Seems rather trivial isn't it? Especially when you compare it to the exam we'll have to be taking soon, which by the way, isn't even worldwidely recognised or respected. What are we doing with our lives?

I'm sorry to bother you with all these very pessimistic thoughts, but I'm afraid i'll have to part with them with sleep on my mind. Finally after ranting about how life sometimes feels completely pointless but still believing that it is in fact, worth living for the little things, I conclude that us human beings are a mixed up bunch. We think we know what we want. And when we do, we go all out to get it, only to realise that it isn't enough and that there'll always be something more out there. we'll keep up this facade of searching and searching until we find the one thing that will keep us content forever- that something that makes a supposedly worthless life just all the more worth living.

You've got to find that one thing before you die, if not you'll never go in peace.
I miss you.