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note: not directed to any individual.
Don’t judge me, because I’m only human. I make mistakes. I have weaknesses. I have insecurities. It’s only fair that you give me some room to make my mistakes, to see myself. What you think shouldn’t bother me, but it does. What makes you so sure I am who you think I am? If that’s the case, then I know I’ll inevitably spend a lot of time living up to your expectations.
It’s not like this is new either. It’s always something that has haunted me. All the time, when you don’t think it affects me, it does. I’ve given up opportunities, passed down chances, gave up on circumstances, just because I listen to the better judgment of people around me. I’m just so sick of it right now, and I hate to say that people who are my friends who love me just drive me a little crazy. Maybe they know best, maybe they don’t?
I live by the principal that no one wants intentionally harms anybody. And though I know this principal is unpredictable, I can’t help it. It’s what I put my faith in. the common good intention that resides in every individual out there. The belief that they’ve been judged by their surroundings and so they are just conforming to what they hear all the time. I want them to know that someone does think they are great people inside. And I’m an idiot for letting anyone convince me otherwise.
I’m sick of taking the side line all the time. It feels like no one’s there to listen when I need to say something, because that’s just not the way things work around the world. It’s not what I look like. It’s just not me.
But hey, what if that person who is essentially me is just waiting to be discovered? What gives you the right to tell me that I am being naïve and gullible and just too nice? And if I am, why can’t you just let me make my own mistakes? I’ve come to the point that I’m not angry at myself or anyone anymore. I’m just completely desperate.
If only you could see the state my mind is right now. if only you could understand. If only you could just take the time to see that I need you. it hurts to feel that i can't admit some things to you because i feel judged and weighed all the time. As if I'm supposed to know better. I hate feeling sorry for myself and I won't allow myself that. But it's as if I can't see perspective right now - something I've always been good at seeing.
I don’t know why I don’t let myself make my own mistakes. I’m always either too self righteous, ignorant or in denial to ever let myself do something like that. I might be doing the right thing so far, but I can’t tell just yet. How do we know we’re doing the right thing if we’ve never felt the wrong?
So I’m sorry everyone. To everyone I’ve mislead and let down. To everyone who’s shocked at whatever I did, am doing or am about to do in the future. I’m sorry in advance and please don’t take it the wrong way. I’m human and mistakes are inevitable. Having said all these things, I’m not sure myself if I’m ever going to change. It’s a battle within myself I have to struggle to survive sometimes. Some days I don’t know if I’ll come out alright or not.